I still can’t watch anything with a grandparent in it. Any familial scenes of a grandparent’s love or passing.
I still can’t read anything about a grandparent.
When will I be able to again, without falling apart? I can no longer watch even happy family scenes without the now-familiar ache in my chest.
I’m such a wreck after I do, and stifling sobs have become something I’m getting better at.
each insignificant wisp of cloud
silhouettes a cardinal whole
catches your thoughts aloud:
maybe it was the distance that allowed you to hear it all at once –
not in an unforgiving cacophony –
everything, just everything:
Everything unfolds and presents itself to you,
Bare. There. Fair.
It’s You’re all here.
All the pieces of you,
Undone; never any clearer,
And you have never felt so alive.
Light clouds heavy with tears,
you are a splitting image of gratefulness,
of near hope and accepted fears.
A smile, a hug. An air kiss emoji.
There is something about leaving people behind – those that have showed you incredible kindness you don’t deserve – that keeps you from heading to where you’re
meant supposed to be.
Your vote of confidence means more to me than you will ever know; it helps, when I have none. I don’t tell people I have faith in them unless I mean it.
This unspoken parting, this uncertainty of ever crossing paths again.
a dispersed seed.
(I hope) you will recognise me?
When If we do meet again?
I can live with the lies.
You’re better at it now
Skin it in fool –
Not one of the few.
Just spill your hea(r)t
Our cold shoulders
Don’t wait till you’re sober.
When it is all you can be defiant in,
claiming the world at your feet,
inadequacy removed from the abundance of potential –
Life demands; an ineludible jolt.
The easiest excuse. The biggest leap.
And my youth is but a cheap handicap.
A vestige of the future.
because the past cannot be contained
we carry them loud in our heads.
It bleeds and colours,
A slow ache spreads
painful recollections never mentioned
steal your breath, and –
This whirlwind you could not suppress breakneck maelstrom you will not repress.
It’s like (b)rain freeze. You can’t breathe
too hard it’ll hurt from the inside out.
Hyper awareness, constant make up, paralyzing self doubt.
do what you have to
And what is that, exactly?
I keep reminding myself, love plus fear
I am trying
to do right by you,
But it has become too easy
like clockwork to sit in silence
And the worst part?
I asked for this.