i don’t really know how to
describe it
i don’t even know if
i have it but
i don’t need a doctor to tell me what i should or shouldn’t be
feeling this sadness claims no reason and

it doesn’t make sense…
and that makes perfect sense?

google prompts me to dial the SOS hotline
but that line like many others will be cold
i’m not sold.

when all you think and feel
is crap
nothingness consumes you
and you have become too washed out
too devoid too empty too much
you can’t cry anymore
try no more
just so tired.
you just sit in that hole you don’t remember digging for yourself you don’t remember when you fell

“it’s okay to be not okay”
so i nod and smile and
some days it leaves,
grants me sacred moments of peace but
all too soon it claws it’s way out
front and center – my skin and i :
we crawl –
takes my gravity
insists upon the right side of wrong
or maybe it’s the other way round –
i don’t know.

outside it’s like nothing’s wrong at all
no need no wake up call
am i making this up? how do i stop?

i’d rather die…
what a lie

my brain won’t shut it
i float with the weight of every wrong thing every could have should have been

i always look down
but why
only now
do i see my hands around my neck

my running shoes are most comfortable for standing still
they are also brighter than my future

whoever said you should light a flame yourself if you can’t find the light
at the end
how is that possible when you didn’t leave me with anything at all
where is the effing end even is this it am i there yet how can i see in this darkness

a stumbling travesty
literally a walking dead
the ticking time bomb inside of me Five
is the only thing louder Four than the voices in my head Three
i am numb to the pain Two
what is this game One


how can i fight it
when i am it?


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