Lack

I want to say I did it because of my hopes, not fears.

I want to know what it’s like to wake up feeling happy.

I want to turn off the lights knowing I have given it my all.

I want to listen to the wind in the trees on my way home, and feel as light as the leaves.

I want answers to questions I shouldn’t ask.

I want to be able to open my eyes underwater, breathe with the wind in my face.

I want to know how to love you, but I’ve got to love myself first.

I want to be enough.

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Stories don’t change but maybe we go back to them because we do.

Who ever decided now is the time

to be an adult

to live it up trying

to keep your feet on the ground

without being held down.

Whoever decided now is the time

to speak up

without speaking out

because one side is all

I can give I hope

that is enough for now.

Stories don’t change but maybe we go back to them because we do. Whoever decided for this story to be part of mine,

thank you.

No longer

I still can’t watch anything with a grandparent in it. Any familial scenes of a grandparent’s love or passing.

I still can’t read anything about a grandparent.

When will I be able to again, without falling apart? I can no longer watch even happy family scenes without the now-familiar ache in my chest.

I’m such a wreck after I do, and stifling sobs have become something I’m getting better at.

Cirrocumulus

each insignificant wisp of cloud

silhouettes a cardinal whole

catches your thoughts aloud:

maybe it was the distance that allowed you to hear it all at once –

not in an unforgiving cacophony – 

everything, just everything: 

Everything unfolds and presents itself to you, 

Bare. There. Fair.

It’s You’re all here.

All the pieces of you,

Undone; never any clearer,

And you have never felt so alive.

Light clouds heavy with tears,

you are a splitting image of gratefulness, 

of near hope and accepted fears.

“Take care”

“Take care.”

A smile, a hug. An air kiss emoji.

There is something about leaving people behind – those that have showed you incredible kindness you don’t deserve – that keeps you from heading to where you’re meant supposed to be.

Your vote of confidence means more to me than you will ever know; it helps, when I have none. I don’t tell people I have faith in them unless I mean it.

This unspoken parting, this uncertainty of ever crossing paths again.

a dispersed seed.

(I hope) you will recognise me?

When If we do meet again?

All Over

Honestly speaking 

I can live with the lies.

Honestly speaking 

It gets better easier.

You’re better at it now

And you(re)new

Skin it in fool –

Not one of the few.

Just spill your hea(r)t 

All Over

Our cold shoulders

Don’t wait till you’re sober.