Hunter Valley, Sept 2017.
I climbed a tree,
and caught it’s tears.
I drank the sunlight,
flew from my fears.
I dropped my mind,
tried picking it up – too much too heavy a fight.
I need something,
more than anything.
A higher self,
but this time,
not on your shelf.
I chased shadows and lost colour.
My battle scars aren’t for show,
No. But that doesn’t mean I’m ashamed of them.
I want to say I did it because of my hopes, not fears.
I want to know what it’s like to wake up feeling
I want to turn off the lights knowing I have given it my all.
I want to listen to the wind in the trees on my way home, and feel as light as the leaves.
I want answers to questions I shouldn’t ask.
I want to be able to open my eyes underwater, breathe with the wind in my face.
I want to know how to love you, but
I’ve got to love myself first.
I want to be enough.
That anger stems from fear, and hate is a product of hurt. Above all, it is because we love.
Hunter Valley vineyard
Who ever decided now is the time
to be an adult
to live it up trying
to keep your feet on the ground
without being held down.
Whoever decided now is the time
to speak up
without speaking out
because one side is all
I can give I hope
that is enough for now.
Stories don’t change but maybe we go back to them because we do. Whoever decided for this story to be part of mine,
I still can’t watch anything with a grandparent in it. Any familial scenes of a grandparent’s love or passing.
I still can’t read anything about a grandparent.
When will I be able to again, without falling apart? I can no longer watch even happy family scenes without the now-familiar ache in my chest.
I’m such a wreck after I do, and stifling sobs have become something I’m getting better at.
A smile, a hug. An air kiss emoji.
There is something about leaving people behind – those that have showed you incredible kindness you don’t deserve – that keeps you from heading to where you’re
meant supposed to be.
Your vote of confidence means more to me than you will ever know; it helps, when I have none. I don’t tell people I have faith in them unless I mean it.
This unspoken parting, this uncertainty of ever crossing paths again.
a dispersed seed.
(I hope) you will recognise me?
When If we do meet again?
I can live with the lies.
You’re better at it now
Skin it in fool –
Not one of the few.
Just spill your hea(r)t
Our cold shoulders
Don’t wait till you’re sober.